Lately, I
have been coming across lots of stories of women being in abusive
relationships. In most of the cases, the abuse is inflicted by the husband
& in some cases by in-laws as well & that is not even the saddest part.
The saddest part is that most of these women are planning to put up with the
abuse or continue to live in such relationships despite the abuse. Some of
these sisters are doing so because they think or have been advised by their own
families, sometimes even by their own parents that they should practice
“patience”. The concept of patience here is so insanely incorrect that I can’t
even figure out from where to start. Patience does not in any way mean that you
should suffer in silence & let someone abuse you & walk all over you.
If you are doing so, you are not practicing patience. The only thing that you
are doing here is that you are encouraging your abuser. You are telling them
that they can treat you in absolutely any way they would like & you are
still going to put up with them. I have added two links at the end of this
post. The concept of patience has been communicated beautifully in these short
lectures. Kindly listen to these lectures, unlearn the concept of patience that
is currently in your mind & relearn it.
Now I know
that I am in no position to pass any judgments on anyone. I cannot put myself
in your shoes. I have no idea what challenges you are facing or are afraid of
facing if you take a stand & decide to end such a relationship. But I am
telling you this because this is exactly what I would tell my own sister if I
find her in a similar situation God forbid. You should have zero tolerance for
abuse. And when I talk about abuse, I am not talking only about physical abuse.
Abuse is also emotional & it is also psychological. Abuse also means being
tortured mentally by someone’s words or behavior or small gestures. You should
have zero tolerance for all kinds of abuse. Learn to respect yourself. You
shouldn’t allow absolutely anyone to mistreat you let alone abuse you or put
their hands on you. I would also like to address those parents, those brothers
& sisters & those relatives who when learn about the abuse that is
inflicted upon their daughters, their sisters they advise them to put up with
it & to practice so called “patience” & tell them that the beasts that
they are living with will probably turn into a human one day. You guys are
supposed to be the guardians of these poor souls, you are supposed to be their
support system, their strength. How can you possibly force them into such
misery? How can you let them suffocate inside like this? How can you so
casually let someone mistreat your daughters & your sisters?
I would also
like to address those who are living in such relationships due to their
children. I do not have any children of my own but as someone’s child let me
tell you that there is nothing that is as disturbing as one’s parents fighting
with one another. When children grow up in a home where abuse takes place you
cannot expect your children not to get affected by it. It will definitely
affect them psychologically & emotionally & it will also eventually
affect their behavior & their personalities. So when it comes to your
child’s mental health & personality development, you are not at all helping
your child here by staying in an abusive relationship. Plus, children learn
from their parents. So in such a case, from one parent a child can learn to be
passive in the face of abuse & let others mistreat them & from other
parent a child can learn to be abusive. Please bear in mind here, you are
raising somebody’s husband, somebody’s wife, somebody’s father & somebody’s
mother. In addition to that, some children start questioning the whole idea of
marriage when they grow up because the kind of marriage that they had witnessed
between their parents while growing up was infact questionable. Not to mention,
when you stay in an abusive relationship for the sake of your child, your child
can start blaming himself/herself for your misery. He/she can think that I am
the reason why my parents have to live so miserably. If you don’t want to
deprive your children of their father then you can always share their custody
with their father.
In the end,
I would address those sisters who are well educated & can support
themselves & their families but are staying in such relationships just
because of the pressure of society. Please liberate yourself. The society
doesn’t have to put up with the abuse but it is “you” who has to put up with
it. “You” are the one who has to suffer. Cut yourself off from people who don’t
bring anything in your life apart from negativity. You shouldn’t care about
them. They are not worth it. You should take care of yourself first &
foremost. You deserve better.
I would
conclude this post by making dua for all of those sisters who are suffering
from abuse that may Allah ease their pain, make way out for them, guide them
& bless them with contentment & happiness. Ameen.