Abuse in Marriage

Lately, I have been coming across lots of stories of women being in abusive relationships. In most of the cases, the abuse is inflicted by the husband & in some cases by in-laws as well & that is not even the saddest part. The saddest part is that most of these women are planning to put up with the abuse or continue to live in such relationships despite the abuse. Some of these sisters are doing so because they think or have been advised by their own families, sometimes even by their own parents that they should practice “patience”. The concept of patience here is so insanely incorrect that I can’t even figure out from where to start. Patience does not in any way mean that you should suffer in silence & let someone abuse you & walk all over you. If you are doing so, you are not practicing patience. The only thing that you are doing here is that you are encouraging your abuser. You are telling them that they can treat you in absolutely any way they would like & you are still going to put up with them. I have added two links at the end of this post. The concept of patience has been communicated beautifully in these short lectures. Kindly listen to these lectures, unlearn the concept of patience that is currently in your mind & relearn it.

Now I know that I am in no position to pass any judgments on anyone. I cannot put myself in your shoes. I have no idea what challenges you are facing or are afraid of facing if you take a stand & decide to end such a relationship. But I am telling you this because this is exactly what I would tell my own sister if I find her in a similar situation God forbid. You should have zero tolerance for abuse. And when I talk about abuse, I am not talking only about physical abuse. Abuse is also emotional & it is also psychological. Abuse also means being tortured mentally by someone’s words or behavior or small gestures. You should have zero tolerance for all kinds of abuse. Learn to respect yourself. You shouldn’t allow absolutely anyone to mistreat you let alone abuse you or put their hands on you. I would also like to address those parents, those brothers & sisters & those relatives who when learn about the abuse that is inflicted upon their daughters, their sisters they advise them to put up with it & to practice so called “patience” & tell them that the beasts that they are living with will probably turn into a human one day. You guys are supposed to be the guardians of these poor souls, you are supposed to be their support system, their strength. How can you possibly force them into such misery? How can you let them suffocate inside like this? How can you so casually let someone mistreat your daughters & your sisters?

I would also like to address those who are living in such relationships due to their children. I do not have any children of my own but as someone’s child let me tell you that there is nothing that is as disturbing as one’s parents fighting with one another. When children grow up in a home where abuse takes place you cannot expect your children not to get affected by it. It will definitely affect them psychologically & emotionally & it will also eventually affect their behavior & their personalities. So when it comes to your child’s mental health & personality development, you are not at all helping your child here by staying in an abusive relationship. Plus, children learn from their parents. So in such a case, from one parent a child can learn to be passive in the face of abuse & let others mistreat them & from other parent a child can learn to be abusive. Please bear in mind here, you are raising somebody’s husband, somebody’s wife, somebody’s father & somebody’s mother. In addition to that, some children start questioning the whole idea of marriage when they grow up because the kind of marriage that they had witnessed between their parents while growing up was infact questionable. Not to mention, when you stay in an abusive relationship for the sake of your child, your child can start blaming himself/herself for your misery. He/she can think that I am the reason why my parents have to live so miserably. If you don’t want to deprive your children of their father then you can always share their custody with their father.

In the end, I would address those sisters who are well educated & can support themselves & their families but are staying in such relationships just because of the pressure of society. Please liberate yourself. The society doesn’t have to put up with the abuse but it is “you” who has to put up with it. “You” are the one who has to suffer. Cut yourself off from people who don’t bring anything in your life apart from negativity. You shouldn’t care about them. They are not worth it. You should take care of yourself first & foremost. You deserve better.

I would conclude this post by making dua for all of those sisters who are suffering from abuse that may Allah ease their pain, make way out for them, guide them & bless them with contentment & happiness. Ameen.

https://youtu.be/1dAbiisj-kI

https://youtu.be/6mzFJikLyG8

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One Step at a Time

When you see a sea of obstacles in front of you. There lies obstacle after obstacle after obstacle as far as your sight has access to and you feel completely overwhelmed by them. You feel as if you are never going to be able to cross them all. Even the thought of crossing these obstacles exhausts you and brings you down. You cannot find enough strength or energy to pull yourself up and start working on crossing them. You feel that you are stuck here forever and you are never going to be able to find a way out. You feel as if you are never going to be able to reach your destination. You feel despair and at the same time you feel anxious. You are worried about what is going to happen if you are unable to reach your destination and at the same time you have no hope of reaching your destination...….. When you feel this way take a step back and a deep breath. All you need at such a moment is hope and strength. Hope that even though you are currently unable to see your destination you are finally going to reach there. All you have to do in order to reach there is cross the obstacles that lie in your way. One by one. One after the other. In order to cross these obstacles what you are going to need is strength so that you can make enough efforts to overcome them. Both hope and strength come by only one means, that is, faith. Faith is believing in something that you cannot see. So even though you cannot see your destination right now you can still have the surety that you are going to reach there if you have faith. But faith in what? Faith in a power. A power that is supreme. A power that controls everything. Everything that happens to you, everything that surrounds you, everything that lies ahead of you, everything that lies behind you and everything other than that. A power that loves you more than anyone else ever can. A power that cares for you and wishes well for you more than anyone else ever can. A power that wants to help you and take you to your destination. A power that is always with you, looking out for you, watching over you. A power that wants nothing short of what’s best for you. A power for which nothing is impossible. A power that can solve all your problems and can make all your worries disappear and wants to do so. A power that can provide you relief and wants to provide you relief. A power that wants to guide you but does not want to spoon feed you. Because it wants you to learn and wants you to become strong. When you have faith in that power ask the possessor of that power to aid you, to guide you, to have your back and to make things easy for you. You may not be able to see the way out yet but once you have faith in that power and seek help from its possessor, it will light up hope in your heart. This hope will charge you up with enough energy and strength that you will be able to make the efforts to cross each and every obstacle that lies in your way. Once you have that strength and that energy all you have to do is focus on the first obstacle that you see in your way and try to cross it. Then work on the next one then the next one then the next one and keep going. Eventually you will reach your destination. Don’t get overwhelmed by what you cannot see, what scares you. Just take one step at a time, focus on solving one problem at a time, focus on crossing one obstacle at a time and eventually you will reach your destination. You will reach your destination by taking these small steps. The energy that drives you to take these steps will come to you by having hope. And it will all start when you have faith.

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Minnu

Arrival of an Adorable Angel:

Once upon a time, a little angel arrived at a house in the form of an adorable, tiny kitten. She was absolutely gorgeous. She had the cutest flat face, gorgeous and fluffy fur which was white from the middle and grey at the tail, tips of the limbs and center of the face. Ears were grey in color, lighter shade at the center growing darker by the edges. Most perfect set of crystal blue eyes one could ever see. She was like a masterpiece of God’s artwork. She completely occupied the hearts of a woman and her two daughters who lived in that house. The woman named her minnu out of sheer love. Soon enough, she herself came to know that her name was minnu and she was supposed to respond when someone calls that name but chose to ignore it anyway although, an ear used to turn in the direction from where the voice calling her name was heard. 

Minnu’s Life:

The purpose of her life was to play.  Wide open eyes, pupils expanded to full extent, sparkles in the eyes, tail swishing at full speed and she would give you the cutest look, challenging you to catch her and would make the cutest brief sound and then run at full speed. From one corner of the house to another, with the speed like that of cheetah. You would not be able to catch her while she is in that state. If you touch her or kiss her when she doesn’t want you to (which is almost all the time except the time when she wakes up from a nap) then it would be certain that you are going to get deep scratches on your hands. If you put the dish of food out for her she would go and sit beside it and will watch you, ordering you to come and stir the bowl for her. When you would sit down beside her, stir the bowl for her and move your hands on her head. After that she would end her tantrums and finally start eating. She loved the woman, who called herself her mama, more than anyone else. Mama was her favorite person. The daughters however, were more like maids for her. Who would attend to her needs, listen and obey her orders and play with her when she wants. The daughters didn’t mind this attitude in the least and it could never affect the love and affection that they felt for her. However, if the daughters were unable to give her attention due to any reason she would get upset. In short, she would show that she didn’t need attention but she very much did! You could say that she was in fact one of the few luckiest beings in this world for having had so much love and care. She would sleep with mama on her bed. When the daughters would bring her to their room, on their bed so that she would sleep with them she would refuse in the cutest arrogant way and go sleep somewhere else. When she would be in a deep sleep in the middle of the night, she would suddenly make the cutest meow noise while asleep then when you would go give her a pat and say in a sweet voice ‘what happened minnu?’ she would stop making the noise and continue to sleep. She would get up in the morning at or before the break of dawn then the first person to wake up would be asked to open the door and let her out for the stroll. After couple of hours of stroll someone would have to go and pick her up, bring her back home. Sometimes if she would be waiting for you, she would complain to you for being late. Sometimes, when she was not in a mood for a long stroll, she would come back by herself and stand at the door asking anyone to open it. There was no food that she was fond of. Not even TUNA. Yes, she would even refuse to eat tuna. But one thing she could never get tired of and would eat with tears of delight in her eyes was cream cheese.

Minnu’s Departure:

The family faced some crisis when she turned five. They had to change multiple houses. Everywhere, she accompanied them as a part of family, because she was indeed family. She remained as playful her whole life until few months before she turned seven. Every year mama and the daughters used to wish her on her birthday, give extra cuddles and kisses, so much so, that she would get angry for being kissed and hugged so much (she would not mind that much if it was mama). When it was her seventh birthday, the girls felt extra affectionate towards her, felt sad and cried while wishing her. Not knowing the reason behind the sad feeling and tears. The reason became evident couple of months after her seventh birthday. She was diagnosed with feline leukemia. The women did everything in their power to save their baby. It broke their hearts to see such a playful baby struggling to breath, not being able even to get up. They tried every possible thing in their power but God Almighty took her under His shelter within two days and her precious soul departed for a journey back to her Creator. She is now in the heaven, as healthy as never before, as happy as never before, under the best of all shelters, under the best guardianship, under the shade of our Lord! I can imagine her running and playing in the eternal gardens with her eyes of full excitement and happiness, in the soothing breeze, in the most beautiful and safest place. By His will and mercy our Lord will re-unite us one day and we shall all remain happily together ever after.

Farewell:

Dearest Baby Minnu,

Although, this temporary period of separation is agonizing right now, looking at absolutely anything from the bowl in which you used to eat to the litter in which you used to pee brings your countless memories to the mind and the heart breaks again and again when the thought of never being able to see you again in this life strikes hard. Your loss is irreplaceable and irreparable. We miss you terribly, our hearts ache for our dolly, we want to see our baby, be with you, cuddle with you, kiss you, play with you, see happiness in your eyes, see you happy and healthy again, give you lots of lots of love but we know that although you are not with us anymore but wherever you are that is a better place and you are happy there, healthy again, happy again and will remain so forever by the will of God. Our hearts find peace in the thought that you are in the best custody now. You have nothing to fear, nothing to feel sad about because you are with the one who loves you the most, cares for you the most and is most merciful of the merciful. Whose love, mercy and care for you absolutely overshadow the love, mercy and care that we ever had for you. By His will and mercy, He will re-unite us one day and then we will be able to see you, be with you, cuddle you, kiss you, play with you, see happiness in your eyes, see you happy and healthy again, give lots of lots of love and then we shall remain together forever. Rest in peace minnu. You will always be loved, always be remembered and will always, always remain in our hearts. We love you!

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Victim or Fighter

When a calamity strikes and you find yourself in a difficult situation in which you are stuck and are unable to find a way out. May be you have gone bankrupt or an important relationship or connection in your life has fallen apart and you feel as if it's the end of the world for you or you have encountered some other kind of loss or you have faced a crushing defeat at something or you are stuck in the middle of some kind of a mess and you desperately want to escape but you cannot find a way out. When you find yourself in such a situation then you will very easily be let down. It will be very easy for you to lose hope. It will be very easy for you to give up. It will be very easy for you to think that your situation will never get any better. It will be very easy for you to feel depressed and anxious. It will be very easy for you to think what have you done to deserve all this! It will be very easy for you to fall victim to the circumstances. It will be very easy to adopt this victim attitude but it will make things even worse for you in the long run. It will make it even more difficult for you to cope with the calamity. When you are stuck in a difficult situation, it will be very natural and likely for you to whine and to complain and it’s ok to whine. It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to let it all out. In fact it’s important to let it all out. It’s ok to fall apart but only if you decide to collect yourself afterwards and move on. It’s ok for you to moan if you moan then collect yourself later on and fight back. But if you sit back and just keep moaning about your difficulty, if you keep mulling over the calamity that has struck and do not make any effort to move on then you will never be able to get out of that difficulty. You will keep stuck there. Your situation will indeed not get any better. On the other hand, if you decide that you are not going to fall victim to this calamity and you are going to fight back, you are not going to allow this calamity to break you down then you will definitely be able to make your situation better. May be better than it was ever before. When you will fight back then you will come out of this storm much stronger, much smarter, much more fearless, much more sensitive and compassionate towards others who are facing difficulties like you have done. It will make you a much better person and you will be thankful to God for putting you through this. You will appreciate God’s wisdom behind putting you through this that you could not do before. Calamities and difficulties are inevitable and most profound realities of life. It will be up to you to either see them as obstacles in your way, sit back and keep moaning about them or to see them as opportunities to build yourself. At the end of the day, it will be your attitude that will determine your end. Whether you choose to be a victim or you choose to be a fighter. If you choose to be a victim then you will remain one but if you choose to be a fighter then victory will be yours.

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The Divine Decree

Like many others, understanding the concept of divine decree had always been quite a difficult thing for me. Questions like what am I to be blamed for or be given credit for if everything has already been decided and pre-destined? How can I be held accountable for anything that I do? For any sin that I commit or any good deed that I perform? By listening to some lectures, doing some research on this topic and through some personal experiences I have finally got my answers thankfully and now I would like to share those.

Firstly, we should understand that there are two kinds of decree:

      1) Unconditional decree

      2) Conditional decree

Unconditional decree includes matters that are not in our control or that we cannot change. Like in what ethnicity we are born, what family do we have, in what state we are born, whether we are born with some physical or mental deficiencies or disabilities or we are born with all physical and mental abilities intact. These are some examples of the matters that belong to unconditional decree.

Then there comes conditional decree. To understand the concept of conditional decree let us consider a very common example. Suppose there is a student and he has exams coming in few days but he doesn’t study for the exam. When his parents and teachers ask him why is he not preparing for the exam he says that if it is destined for me to pass the exam I will pass the exam anyway but if it is destined for me to fail then I will fail anyway. Why bother to study? Then he appears in the exam and eventually fails. Now let’s go back in time. Same student has exams coming in few days but now he is preparing for the exam because he knows that if he won’t study he will fail. Then he appears in the exam and eventually passes the exam. So, we can conclude that he passing the exam depends on one condition and that is to study. If he fails the exam it is because he did not make any effort to pass the exam and the reason of his failure is his own ignorance. But if he passes the exam it is because he made the effort to pass the exam and prepared himself for it. Since God has the knowledge of the future so He knew in advance what decisions and choices we will make in the future and what will be their consequences and thus wrote it in our destiny. Therefore, we do not take certain steps because it was written in our destiny, rather, it is the other way around. It is written in our destiny to take certain steps because we ourselves choose to take those steps.

خودی کو کر بلند اتنا کے ہر تقدیر سے پہلے

خدا بندے سے خود پوچھے بتا تیری رضا کیا ہے

(Translation: Set your self-determination so high that before (writing) each decree, God Himself asks the slave tell me what your pleasure lies in)

Now here it is absolutely important to understand one more thing. In order to achieve something it is important for us to make effort but we cannot make it through by means of our efforts alone. Our efforts won’t affect the consequences without God’s permission and His assistance. We cannot achieve the desired results without God’s aid and His help and in order to get His help we must make effort from our end. That’s why I absolutely love the following statement:

But there is one more possibility in this scenario. Perhaps the student did prepare for the exams and did put in complete effort from his end but in the end he failed despite all the efforts. Sometimes such things do happen with all of us. Sometimes we do try our best to achieve something but we don’t get it anyway. At such times it is not incorrect to say that this thing might not have been destined for me. Although you want it really badly but maybe it is not good for you. Perhaps God has something better for you in store. Perhaps, it will be harmful for you in the long run to have it. So God does not let you have it for your own good. You may like something that is bad for you and you may dislike something that is good for you.  But God who created you, who has the absolute knowledge of everything, seen and unseen alike, present and future alike, knows better.

Then there can be another scenario. Sometimes things are just not in our control and there is nothing much we can do to change the situation. For example, a loved one is suffering from a fatal disease and the doctor informs you that they will probably not be able to live for long. You try to do everything you can. You take them to the best doctor, give them the best care and everything but you cannot make their disease go away. But you pray day and night for a miracle and that they may be restored to health and then after sometime your doctor informs you that your loved one has somehow started to recover. So your prayers have finally been answered and as a result your loved one has actually been saved but it would not have been possible without your prayers. If you would not have prayed, your loved one would probably have died. Or maybe you did some good deed that really touched God. For example you helped someone out of a difficult situation and as a reward God eased your pain and saved your loved one. So, your prayers and your good deeds also affect your destiny.

In a nut shell, the fact that everything has been pre-destined does not remove from us the responsibility and accountability of our own actions. It rather makes us understand that we must carry out all our actions with responsibility and should make complete effort from our end in all the matters. But if we do not get the desired results even after putting in effort and carrying out all our actions with responsibility then there lies God’s wisdom behind it and it is better for us in the long run not to have what we want.

Following are few really insightful quotes about divine decree:

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Prayer of Prophet Ayub/Job (peace be upon him)

An extract from Tafsir Ibn-e-Kathir, Surah Al-Anbiya (Chapter no.21 of Al-Quran):

Allah tells us about Ayyub (Job), and the trials that struck him, affecting his wealth, children and physical health. He had plenty of livestock, cattle and crops, many children and beautiful houses, and he was tested in these things, losing every thing he had. Then he was tested with regard to his body, and he was left alone on the edge of the city and there was no one who treated him with compassion apart from his wife, who took care of him. It was said that it reached the stage where she was in need, so she started to serve people (to earn money) for his sake. The Prophet said:

"The people who are tested the most severely are the Prophets, then the righteous, then the
next best and the next best."

According to another Hadith:

"A man will be tested according to his level of religious commitment ; the stronger his religious
commitment , the more severe will be his test."

The Prophet of Allah, Ayyub, upon him be peace, had the utmost patience, and he is the best example of that. Yazid bin Maysarah said:

"When Allah tested Ayyub, upon him be peace, with the loss of his family, wealth and children,
and he had nothing left, he started to focus upon the remembrance of Allah, and he said: 'I
praise You, the Lord of lords, Who bestowed His kindness upon me and gave me wealth and
children, and there was no corner of my heart that was not f illed with attachment to these
worldly things, then You took all of that away from me and You emptied my heart, and there is
nothing to stand between me and You. If my enemy Iblis knew of this, he would be jealous of
me. ' When Iblis heard of this, he became upset.

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Ar-Rahman

Ar-Rahman. The Most Merciful. I had been reading about this trait of Allah, using it in my prayers and reciting it before starting any task in the form of ‘بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم (Begin with the name of Allah, the most merciful, the most gracious)’ ever since I came to my senses but I never actually pondered over it until recently. This trait makes our Lord most merciful of the merciful which means that if we combine the mercy possessed by all the merciful beings on the face of earth even that will not be comparable with the mercy of Allah.

“Allah divided Mercy into one-hundred parts and kept ninety-nine parts of it with Him and sent down one part on earth. And because of that, its one single part, His creations are Merciful to each other, so that even the mare lifts up its hoofs away from its baby animal, lest it should trample on it.” [Sahih Bukhari]

This trait of Allah has been emphasized again and again by Allah Himself in the Quran. This is the very trait that got to be a part of the most frequently recited sentence ‘بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم (Begin with the name of Allah, the most merciful, the most gracious)’. This is the trait that precedes other ninety eight traits of Allah when we read the names and attributes of Allah. Moreover, we come to know by Prophet Mohammad (peace be upon him) that Allah declares that His mercy prevails His wrath.

“When Allah decreed the creation, he wrote in his book with him on his throne: My mercy prevails over my wrath.” [Sahih Muslim]

These are the few points that can help us internalize the importance of this trait of Allah and that how much this trait has been emphasized by Allah Himself and by Prophet Mohammad (peace be upon him). But this is all about reading and studying about this attribute of Allah. We see but overlook countless examples of Allah’s mercy in our day to day lives. With the exception of very few, most of us are extremely disobedient and ungrateful to Allah but despite that fact He does not punish us for our disobedience and ungratefulness right away. He gives us lots of leverage. He overlooks many of our mistakes, those we make knowingly and those we make unknowingly. Despite the fact that He is our master and we are merely His slaves and that He owes us nothing and we owe Him absolutely everything, He waits for us to turn to Him and repent. He literally looks forward to us to turn to Him so that He can forgive us. When we turn back to Him He reaches out for us without the delay of even a fraction of second. No matter at what point in time you turn to Him, His door is always open for you. If you walk towards Him, He will come running towards you.

“Allah, the Exalted and Glorious, said: I live in the thought of My servant and I am with him as he remembers Me. (The Holy Prophet) further said: By Allah, Allah is more pleased with the repentance of His servant than what one of you would do on finding the lost camel in the waterless desert. When he draws near Me by the span of his hand. I draw near him by the length of a cubit and when he draws near Me by the length of a cubit. I draw near him by the length of a fathom and when he draws near Me walking I draw close to him hurriedly.” [Sahih Muslim]

If somebody hurts us, breaks our heart or disappoints us then are we usually willing to give them a second chance? If we truly love them even then after a couple of chances we will surely give up on them if they keep making the same mistake again and again because we cannot stand being turned down or being hurt again and again. But look at Allah’s mercy, see how much He loves you that no matter how many times you mess up, fail and disappoint Him He will never run out of second chances for you! That is Allah, Ar-Rahman! He never gives up on His constantly and consistently failing and disobedient slaves.

“Allah, Blessed and Exalted is He, says, ‘O son of Adam, as long as you call on Me, I shall forgive you of what you have done, and think nothing of it. O son of Adam, even if your sins were to reach up to the clouds in the sky, and then you were to ask for My forgiveness, I would forgive you and think nothing of it. O son of Adam, even if you were to come to Me with sins nearly as great as the earth, and then you were to meet Me after death, not worshipping anything besides Me, I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great as the earth.’” [Tirmidhi]

“Whoever repents after his crime and does righteous good deeds (by obeying Allah), then verily, Allah will pardon him. Verily, Allah is Oft­ Forgiving, Most Merciful."[Al-Quran 5:39]

Despite the fact that He owes us nothing yet showers us with countless blessings, we take many of His blessings and gifts for granted. We constantly and consistently disobey Him, disappoint Him, keep whining and complaining and are ungrateful to Him. In addition to that, despite His countless favors and boundless mercy we do not bother to even take out some time for Him, to remember Him, talk to Him and connect with Him. Despite of all this, He never leaves us on our own. He still provides for us, looks after us and takes care of us even while we are in the state of disobedience!  While we are in the middle of disappointing Him! Not only that He fulfils our needs but He also showers us with countless blessings and gifts when He is our master. But He is not an ordinary master. He is not an ordinary rabb. He is rabb-e-kareem (extremely generous master)!

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